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August 2009 
Dealing With Egos In An Intentional Community
Posted on Nov 23rd, 2008
by 
asecondlifediary
asecondlifediary
I'M HAPPY TO SAY that at long last the energy in our community seems to be moving ahead, with more members stepping forward to be involved in things and participating in group discussions.
We are now ALMOST ready to adopt a Statement of Principles that has been a work in progress for the past six months. It has already been accepted by one meeting group and will go before our other international time zone meeting group this coming Wednesday. Here is what our draft, which Cal has put together, says:
OUR PURPOSE:
To learn about creating sustainable intentional communities -- what works and what doesn't -- and to model such a community in Second Life.
We will do this by:
* Practising those aspects of sustainable living in intentional community in Second Life, to the extent this can be a useful learning experience e.g. consensus-building, collaboration, dispute resolution, collective decision-making etc.
* Doing real-life research on sustainable practices and intentional communities, on subjects that we each care about, and sharing the results of that research with other members and visitors. This could be done by creating a representation of this practice or aspect of community on our island, and attaching a notecard with the research and links to further information; or by holding educational events on our island. The areas we are doing research on, the location of our representations, and the schedule of events, would be posted in the barn.
Each member of our community will be asked to:
* Pursue the above purpose and to participate actively in its realization.
* Keep up to date on what others are doing in the community, through the website, forum etc.
* Attend meetings whenever possible, and when not possible, read up on the meeting notes.
* Assist in the management of the island and to discharge the duties and responsibilities that come with co-ownership of a Second Life community.
* Volunteer to do some research or to lead some area of practice, in an area of their choosing.
Definitions:
Sustainable: Able to continue indefinitely -- not requiring non-renewable resources, and not taking more from the land than it returns
Intentional Community: A group of people living, or making a living, together, who share a common purpose and/or set of values
Another issue we have been working on is a level of membership that more accurately reflects people's participation in the group. Probably our most active member, Rose, has worked her administrative magic on the mix of roles and responsibilities we created on the run, and has now brought them into some meaningful order.
We will have Visiting Members, Active Members and Land Group Members. Visiting Members can come and go as they wish, visiting, playing, bringing others, rezzing objects temporarily (which will be auto-returned after a certain amount of time). Active Members are those who provide 'energy' - organise events, participate in discussions, assist in projects etc. They will have a certain level of 'authority' on the island. Land Group Members are members of our community who consistently show their commitment to the community and are deemed to be involved enough to make decisions on behalf of the group (with consensus).
So ... it would seem that our 'house' is in order.
Ironically, the next issue which has come up and will probably take up a bit of our time and attention for the next little while is the subject of egos and conflict resolution. For better or worse, I am responsible for this coming to a head.
Initially, I was the main person on the island to provide the energy for more or less 'moving the community forward' - i.e. the one sending out notices, suggesting activities, welcoming people, organising get togethers, suggesting themes for our art exhibitions etc. More or less being a hostess I suppose.
After several months I got tired of feeling I was the only one 'putting in' and it coincided with me starting off on my journey around Australia anyway, so I was extremely pleased when a relatively new member stepped forward to take up the slack and be that person - the motivator, I guess.
Now, it's important to point out at this stage that I saw myself as perhaps the facilitator - the person who encouraged and helped things along. I didn't see it as my role to come up with the ideas or be responsible for the 'success' of the community. If the community didn't have the incentive or initiative to come up with ideas, groups, events etc., then it would never succeed as a community.
It had to be a joint effort, or there was no point calling us a community.
After a couple of months, she too got frustrated with being the only one who seemed to do all the work. She had done a tremendous amount of work in making sure people didn't exceed their prim limit and encouraged people in projects and sorted out things on our Ning website (which is perhaps our best communication tool that another community member set up for us).
One of the biggest issues we had was the belief by this woman that the community had to have a leader. She felt that this was Cal's responsibility - to be our group leader - while he didn't believe it was necessary. He wanted the group to be responsible for its direction, not him.
There was quite a bit of heat in the discussion, with both getting emotional about (1) being forced into a position they didn't want. Cal was angry because someone was 'demanding' that he do what he didn't want to do (because he felt it wasn't necessary); and the other woman because she was adamant the group needed a leader.
Consequently, she withdrew, "Taking a back seat," she said, to MAKE Cal see that without a leader, our group would fall apart.
It was gratifying to see (because both Cal and I feel that it's important the community has the power, not one individual), that others did come forward and offer ideas, thoughts, discussion points and the whole thing didn't come crashing down on our heads.
I believe that if you leave enough space, people will expand and grow into it.
Her 'taking a back seat', coincided with me at long last getting wireless internet while I'm on the road (courtesy of Cal), and so I was able to once more take a more active role in the community.
Basically, it comes down to two people who like to 'organise' now contributing in different ways to the community and coming in to conflict. Over the last several days there have been some exchanges between us that have left both of us feeling criticised, dominated, hurt, angry, betrayed, isolated and rejected. All pretty strong stuff.
Our ways of interacting with the world are just so different. She has a really great mind - quick and sharp. While I'm perhaps more of a dreamer - slow to process things and happy to let things flow.
I've come to the conclusion that we are two poles to the structure - both necessary, but poles apart!
She is feeling betrayed because, with her agreement, I took the issue to a small circle of our community members - Soj (who has a wonderful ability to see a situation in all its complexity and come up with a simple solution or an accurate observation); and Kalea (our wonderful Hawaiian member, who has a beautiful soul and all the wisdom of someone who has always lived in harmony with the natural world).
Basically, I think it comes down to both of us feeling that we have to 'protect' the community from the other. I feel she is too dominating and intimidating and people are afraid to come up with ideas and suggestions because she tends to jump on them and make suggestions to improve their input or demand they justify their position (at least that's how it seems to me). Others may feel she is giving good guidance and helping people.
She feels that I'm too airy-fairy and confuse the issue with my comments, interfering with group progress. She also pointed out to me that the community have come up with certain rules or ways of doing things while I have been travelling, and that I am acting too autonomously on the island without regard to the guidelines which the community have decided on in my absence.
Another issue that I think is at play here, IS a power struggle of some kind. I refuse to be dominated and am adamant that I am NOT answerable to this woman, I am answerable to our community.
She believes that Cal should LEAD the group and is very critical of him, for not taking up this responsibility. I can't help feeling that she believes if Cal isn't going to do it, she is the next best person to take it on. (Even though she denies this).
I think this woman has an exaggerated sense of responsibility. She has spoken about the group's 'reputation' and is concerned that the behaviour of some members is detrimental to that. She has objected to another community member always going around the island bare-bosomed (and sometimes showing her clitoris) - even removing the member's profile picture from our website because she was topless.
It's a delicate balance between allowing free expression to people and also taking into consideration other people's morale stances. Who should compromise? One person's morality shouldn't interfere with anothers. Should one cover up? Or should the other learn to accept?
My main concern in all of this is that the island and the community is always a place where people feel safe and can express themselves.
I worry that this woman's strong personality will deter people from feeling comfortable to put forward half-formed ideas or suggestions because they are afraid she will jump on them for not thinking things through before they present them to the group.
I would say, she is worried that my fuzzy thinking will hold back the group's progress.
For me, the journey is what is important, not the final destination. If we don't do things 'right', does it matter? It's what we've learned along the way that is important I feel.
If we do things one particular person's 'way' all the time, all that happens is that we learn to do things their way - to be trained in one person's way of thinking. This is being 'trained', not learning.
The good thing about all this, is that I really do like this woman and certainly value and honour what she has done for the community. I hope that our attachment to one another is strong enough to get us through this. As I said to her in an email, sooner or later, we as a community were going to have to deal with an issue which required us to develop conflict resolutions skills.
Perhaps it's a good thing that it's the two of us who are helping our community to learn this lesson. We started off liking one another - I hope we end up that way!
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