Joe Bageant, at home in the Garifuna village of Hopkins, Belize, where I visited him last week

The above quote is from Joe Bageant's son. It came up in our recent discussion on Intentional Community versus 'Accidental' Community. Community is born of necessity. This one sentence, Joe believed, explained the success of Accidental Communities, and the failure of so many well-considered Intentional Communities.

Since Mia and I are planning on creating an Intentional Community here in Second Life, this came to me as quite a revelation. I'm wondering now, when there is no necessity, no struggle, no urgency to create community in Second Life, is our plan even feasible?

I should have realized this, of course; it's an affirmation of Pollard's Law -- we do what we must, then we do what's easy, and then we do what's fun. My ancestors, thrown together with strangers in a frontier land two centuries ago under harsh conditions, American ex-pats sharing a common passion (loyalty to the King of England) had no choice but to make their Accidental Community of 13 families work, carving homes out of the frozen wilderness without electric light, electric power or hydrocarbons. Thousands of Canadians can now, like me, trace their ancestry to this community.

Likewise, the Garifuna of Belize, where I just visited, who bailed out of shipwrecked slave ships over three centuries ago, had no choice but to make their Accidental Community work, and its culture remains, improbably and against all odds, prevalent today in much of the country.

Meanwhile, the Intentional Communities of the world have a low success rate and an average population of just eleven people. They are the product, often, of affluent, comfortable people who have selected each other carefully and patiently, and who have a shared passion that most Accidental Communities lack. They are experiments of joy designed to discover what works and what doesn't, by learning from failure. They never really succeed, most of them, perhaps because they don't have to.

Cal

THE OTHER MORNING, as I contemplated my deepening love for Cal, I began to wonder what it was that I wanted from love.

In earlier post I promised to write about the things I love about Mia, my collaborator on this blog and in my efforts to create an Intentional Community in Second Life. As I thought about it, I realized these were the same things I look for in a partner or collaborator on any important venture -- projects, enterprises, communities. And the same qualities I treasure in a friend. And the same qualities I try to exemplify myself, in practicing to Let-Myself-Change to be a better model, in trying to make the world a better place*. Mia exemplifies these twelve qualities: Intelligence: A combination of good critical thinking skills and excellent instincts (and a willingness to trust them). Smart people like Mia are fun, and sexy. Emotional Strength: Freedom from neediness -- it's OK to love attention and appreciation, but when someone can't live without constant external validation, they can become unbearable. If you want others to love you, you have to love yourself first. Mia has learned to do that. That seems to be rare in First Life and Second Life. Attention Skills: Emotional sensitivity, perceptiveness, awareness, openness, capacity to listen, to focus the senses on what is really happening, and collaboratively figure out what it all means. Mia is not one of those people who lives their whole life in their heads, or in an emotional cocoon. She's learned to get outside herself, and she's very generous with her attention. Honesty: About what you love, what you can't stand, what you believe in, and what you have doubts about. Mia just gets it all out there. She's always offering constructive ideas and alternatives. And she never, ever lies (that includes saying nothing when there is something that must be said). She calls it "taking the temperature" of our relationship. It's delightfully refreshing, and reassuring. Communication Skills: Ability to articulate concisely and precisely what you know and what you think and what you love, orally and in writing (and to show, not just tell). Mia's a writer by vocation, and she's very good at it. Learning Skills: The self-directed ability to discover, access and process useful information (captured, experiential, and in conversation). This is the key to self-management and independence and making yourself a useful and valuable partner. Mia is self-driven to learn. And she's more open-minded than I am. Passion and Responsibility: Belief that what's possible can happen, and energy and a sense of responsibility directed to a shared purpose. We know what we have to do, and we're going to do it. Come see what we've done already in Second Life. Talk to any of those who've come to know and love Mia. Curiosity, Imagination and Creativity: The desire and capacity to find out what you don't know, to think about what could be, and to bring those imaginings to fruition. Mia is so curious, she purrs. Different Perspectives & Complementary Strengths: We are often attracted to people who share our beliefs, our culture, and our skills, but in my experience the best partners are those whose gifts and points of view complement each other (i.e. neither conflict nor overlap). We don't argue, but we poke fun at each other when we have different ideas. We laugh a lot. Yin and yang. Self-Knowledge, and Knowledge of Others' Capacities: Knowing which capacities you have, and which you lack, and what you know, and what you don't, and what others can do better than you can, is enormously important to collaboration and love, especially in coping with challenges. We've both spent a lot of time in contemplation, getting to know ourselves, and now, each other. Love, Respect and Trust: Most of us love and trust those who love and trust us in return. The alternative is dysfunctional and dangerous, a recipe for either abuse or co-dependency. We look at many of the relationships of others we know in First Life and Second Life, and shake our heads. There are a lot of co-dependents out there. We're co-independents. BGP: Beauty, grace and presence: Deny it all you want, we all prefer to be with people who are attractive, gracious, charismatic, and energizing. Some are naturally more gifted at this than others, but we can all improve, with practice. Ask anyone who knows Mia, they'll tell you -- she's lovely and charming and completely adorable. Happy Valentine's Day, Mia. LYAW. * So I confess this list is doing double-duty on my other blog, in homage to my long-suffering readers. The image, BTW, is from doggybloggy.com

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY and so Cal and I have bought one another a horse in Second Life to celebrate.   His is a handsome chestnut/brown beast and mine is a lovely Palomino, named Jinj (as in ginger).  

WHILE THE JOURNEY to polyamoury is a new one for me, we have heard from one of our readers who is further along in their exploration.    They have a partner who is the treasurer for an association buying land for an intentional community.   

The partner was quite high up in multi-national company, but because she was burnt out from stress she changed occupations.   She kept in touch with her girlfriends at the previous company and likes to attend their girls' evenings to catch up on old gossip. 

But I will leave it to our reader to tell their story:

"She is not really interested in talking about our IC - ecounit. When asked, she likes to respond about the areas of concern - investment, urine separation, planning permission, legal framework, community rules, social cohesion.

So her girlfriends started asking her about the IC. However she responded, they always brought the subject back to …..SEX.   Conversation invariably went along these lines:

” We intend to introduce urine separation, recycling of all nutrients”
“Yes, but won't you end up all having sex with each other?”

The more Caroline recounted the evening, the more I laughed - but I realised these ladies were REALLY WORRIED.   Their concerns seemed to consist of:

a short story from Cal's main blog at howtosavetheworld.ca

"I want it all", Hanna told him.

He'd been walking back to his hotel after his conference presentation and decided to stop at one of Paris' renowned sidewalk bistros. He'd found one that looked attractive. As he walked along the row of seats and tables a striking woman in a trim burgundy suit followed him with her gaze. When he turned his head to look at her, she raised her head and looked directly into his eyes, not averting her stare for a moment. He stared back, with a slight smile at her forwardness. He'd discovered that Parisians are fond of checking each other out, especially in public places like the brasseries and the Métro, so he didn't think this terribly unusual. He stopped walking. There were few empty seats in the bistro, and as he walked back towards her, the woman, still gazing right into his eyes, nodded towards the seat beside her, inviting him to sit.

She offered him her hand and they introduced themselves. They spoke French. She said she was Austrian, from a village in the mountains. Her long wavy hair was jet black. They explained what had brought them to Paris, and then moved the discussion to philosophy, and life goals. Hanna spoke exuberantly about her intentions in life:

"I want it all. Love, friendship, adventure, discovery, fun. I can't, won't be tied down. It's not that I'm extravagant or unwilling to take responsibility. My ecological footprint is very small. I own next to nothing. I owe nothing. I don't drive. I care about the planet, and about people, especially people who are responsible, who care."

He asked her about her expensive-looking wardrobe, where she lived, and what she did for a living.

"I have three outfits, casual, that I made myself, that go with me everywhere. If I need something different, like this suit, I buy it in a thrift store and then, when I'm done with it, I donate it back, or give it to someone who needs it. My home, near a small village in Austria, is a one-room cottage in a forest. I sold the property to the government for one euro, on condition it never be developed and that I be able to use the cottage for free during my lifetime. It's powered by wind and solar power, and it's more or less empty. When I'm home I sleep there, prepare simple meals from local foods, write, paint, sculpt, weave, play music, and do research. But I'm a nomad, I'm comfortable anywhere and I like to move about and spend time with the many people I love, who are all over the planet. So I speak at conferences for the cost of transportation to the conference site. Most places I go I know people I can stay with, and I give them gifts of my artworks in thanks for their hospitality. If I don't know anyone, I just make a new friend when I arrive. It's fun."

She asked him where he was staying, and when he told her, she asked if she could spend the night, and the one following, with him. He suggested it might be awkward, since the room had only one bed. She smiled at him wryly.

"I was hoping we'd make good use of the bed. I love making love, with people who are intelligent, sensitive, and kind. Don't get me wrong, though. It's not because you're putting me up for the night. I'd offer to make love with you even if I couldn't stay the night. I want to do a sketch of you, and that's what I offer you for your accommodation. My offer of love is free." She smiled again.

They talked for awhile about how to make the world a better place. He told her he had given up on trying to bring about systematic change, and instead intended to create models of a better way to live: intentional communities, natural enterprises, self-organized collaborative events. She liked the approach. She was a model herself, he discovered, of living light upon the land, of the gift economy.

They ate vegan food, watched the people, laughed, poked gentle fun at each other. Then, at sunset, she took his hand and said simply "time to make love".

She was an expert lover. She teased him for hours, not letting him climax, while she taught him exactly how to please her, over and over. They took a bath together, and later a shower, in between rounds, and by the time they were sated it was the middle of the night. He was ready to sleep but she dragged him outside to show him Paris at night, when almost everyone was in bed. They walked for about an hour, holding hands, singing quietly, sharing confidences, laughing, crying. They went back to his hotel room and made love one more time, gently, slowly, by candlelight, and then slept in each other's arms until noon.

They made love again when they awoke, and then Hanna gave him a speech she had clearly recited often. She lay on his shoulder, caressing his chest, and said:

"Tomorrow I leave for Stuttgart, for a conference on collaboration and innovation. You are really on to something, you know, with your talk about Love and Conversation being the keys to making the world a better place. But I'm not so sure about intentional communities, or about physical communities at all. The world has changed, and you can't re-isolate people in communities, even if it may be for their own good. I have four lovers in Stuttgart and I am looking forward to being with them all. I will tell them about what I have learned from you, and from talking with you. I will probably pick up some new ideas and understanding from them, which I'll relay to you, the next time we meet. And we will meet again, in Rio, in January, when we're both at the same conference, and, if you're up for it, at my place in April, as we discussed. I just want you to understand that I love you, but I also love many others, and I have to be free to spend time with them too. You understand? We can have a lot more fun until I go tomorrow, but no sad goodbyes, no tears, right?"

He was quiet for a moment, and then nodded, smiling. She went on:

"You should try doing what I do. Sell everything you have and become a Love Nomad like me. Make your 'intentional community' the whole world, all the people who 'get' what you're saying or who, at least, because they're intelligent and sensitive and caring and imaginative, could get what you're saying. And just have fun loving them, in the way they want and deserve to be loved. And conversing with them, spreading the ideas and information and insights you have around, like a virus."

All that day they explored Paris, and each other. They returned to the bistro where they'd met for dinner, and Hanna, using the same 'eye trick' she'd used on him, invited a wildly-dressed Parisian woman named Mireille to join them for dinner. That night was a threesome, of passion, and of conversation about art. Mireille was a performance artist, and she had adorned her body with tattoos, piercings and temporary drawings about Gaia, making a virtual canvas of her body. Hanna drew a sketch of him on Mireille's shoulder as her two new lovers were sleeping in each other's arms, and when she rose in the morning she left them a note, with her cell phone number, that read:

"I give you to each other, in love."

(Image is from parlerparis.com. The character of Hanna is based on a polyamorous woman I knew many years ago, who at that time was living with five lovers. I'd like to believe this is what she might have grown up to become.)