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cyber relationships
August 2009 
What Do We Want From Love?
Posted on Feb 7th, 2008
by 
asecondlifediary
asecondlifediary
THE OTHER MORNING, as I contemplated my deepening love for Cal, I began to wonder what it was that I wanted from love.
I had been reading a friend's blog and knowing they are in a relationship that means a lot to them, wondered why that love wasn't expressed more in his blog. It felt to me that maybe 'love', to him, was restricted to just the two of them, the ones in the relationship, without it having enough 'strength' or 'power' to emanate further out into his world. Whereas, for his partner, that love just radiated out from her, embuing her life with a joyousness that was easily spread.
Years ago I read the very funny, "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert where she says her lover acted as though she wanted to eat his soul, when all she wanted to do was .... er, eat his soul!
I am guilty of this same urge - to utterly consume the object of my affections - to have them entirely inside myself. To know their every thought, feeling, action. Is this normal? Do others feel like this? Is insecurity a companion to love?
When Cal says, "I love you", how do I know that he loves me as much as I love him? And why does it matter? Why am I consumed with these moments of insecurity? In my moments of rational thought, I know that I love him no matter what - I don't hold back what I feel until I am sure he feels the same. I love him and want him to be happy - it's as simple as that. Is it my hormones playing tricks and complicating things?
Fortunately Cal is comfortable (at least for the moment), with this constant temperature-taking of our relationship, but I wonder why it's always me who has the thermometer in hand? Is it just me who is insecure, or women in general? Very early in our relationship, he urged me to be "fearless" and I keep repeating this word as a mantra but all it takes is a bit of a silence from him, to instantly feel as though he is bored with me, or wondering how to tell me that his feelings for me have diminished.
I hate this insecurity! What will it take for me to feel reassured?
Cal says that I am living in the future, waiting for our eventual meeting outside the cyber world of Second Life and that's true. But I think it's more that I am looking forward to the next stage of our relationship - the REAL deepening of our connection. The opportunity to see, touch, smell and intertwine with one another.
For me, I feel that our relationship has pretty much expanded to its limit here in the cyber world. I mean, how many times can you say, "I love you, I love you"? We have walked together, talked together, ridden horses together, socialised together, danced together - explored as many avenues of expression in Second Life that we are aware of. As much as I love conversation and cyber connection on poseballs, I'm still wanting more.
But that is one of my failings. "Give me an inch and I want a mile". No matter what I have, I want more.
It probably doesn't help that Cal reminds me from time to time, that 'our' relationship isn't just the two of us - that eventually there will be others in our beautiful love ocean. I don't think he trusts me that when it comes down to it, that I won't squib out and renege on accepting others in our circle of love.
But it is OUR relationship, just the two of us that I am focused on at the moment. I want to make sure that we have a secure, loving base on which to expand lovingness. Actually, I'm quite looking forward to seeing who it is we eventually absorb into our polyamorous community. (I've been told I have a FEROCIOUS curiosity). I just want to make sure that what Cal and I have together is good and true and lasting.
I don't know why I need to know if the extent of love we feel for one another is on a par. To be honest, I think ebb and flow in a relationship is a good thing - each partner taking a turn at steering the ship, or 'carrying the load' as it were. As a matter of fact, very early in our relationship, Cal made an observation that it was me steering our relationship, while he had his foot on the accelerator. Now, I feel as though it is my foot on the accelerator, and he is the one doing the steering.
I do wonder though if men are always calculating the price they have to 'pay' for love, against what they are getting out of it; while women are more "It's worth any price to be loved". What do you think?
Access: Public
Loved your post, Mia. I have been going through things on Secondlife - not a realationship but wandering around with that ache, desire, burning curiosity, wanting to meet someone, be seen, feel their prescence behind the keyboard, that arousal of the senses when it starts to feel real.
I started talking to a woman - I visited Midnight reflections - and realised that she was drawn to the place, kept coming back in anticipation. Just like me.
But the difference between her and I was that she did not see love as being something in short supply. I realised that was the way I was feeling. And that feeling was controlling how I was.
What if love is not in short supply? What if it is in abundance? What if I can fill my cup in whatever way I need, and that it just a myth someone put out to keep me in place?
She left quickly and I continued my pondering. Surprisingly, she came back and showed me probably the best kiss in Second life. Just before, in anticipation I felt such a rush. And felt so good after it ended. On the face of it this is inexplicable as I am just at the end of a computer screen.
She left again to take a shower, but came back and we chatted. I realised she was sitting at the keyboard without getting dressed after the shower.
So in answer to your question - no calculation just a feeling pulling you someplace - a sweet feeling. The calculations come as constructions after the event.
Dear Porena,
Arousal of the senses indeed! I'm coming to the conclusion that Second Life IS a second chance to create a life more to our liking. It's a far more convenient way to experience so many different things - emotions, relationships, visual stimulation, titillation etc. I think it's the sense of anticipation that really excites me - the knowledge that there is just so much more to experience.
There is a real sense of anticipation and not holding back. It doesn't matter what we say or do, it's so easy to extricate ourselves from any situation - just hit 'Quit'.
So … what has happened to you that you don't feel love is in great supply? Whatever do you mean that you feel someone has put out the myth that love is in short supply to keep you in your place?
The answer is LOVE - it's as simple as that. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that love IS the answer to everything. Especially to trusting. If I remember to trust Cal's sincerity and his intention to love me, I'm fine … but if I allow lesser emotions to intrude, that's when I find myself doubting … doubting my appeal to him, and his commitment to me.
I am hoping that Cal will write sometime soon on his feelings about love - he has such a great capacity for it and explains so well his commitment to polyamoury and loving relationships.
As I said, one of the things I love about SL is the sense of anticipation. You just never know what might happen there. People, places, things, experiences, visual stimulation - everything is enhanced there. Even loneliness sometimes - there's nothing so lonesome as an empty sim.
Do you find that you are positive about your Second Life? The calculations, as you say, are they more or less in SL than in your First Life? Do you find it easier to surrender in SL?
As I read your post, I was agog with anticipation about the kiss, her nakedness, your feelings of arousal, my own titillation at being 'audience' to your experience. This is not a perversion, but simply a natural human sharing of what we experience. It's why gossip and celebrity news are so popular. We get to experience so much more than our own lives.
Enjoy the 'play' that is Second Life and the sweet surrender to 'love' in whatever form you allow it to take.
Mia
Mia, you just asked me questions that I want to reply to but at the same time I feel you and I are having an intimate conversation in total public. If you were agog at my meeting in second life - how many more will do the same? Still, I enjoyed reading and was blown over by the tenderness in your post about your encounters with Cal. So I agree, not a perversion.
So yes, why not share - I have nothing to hide. I am very positive about my Second life. partly because it is easier to surrender. The calculations are less. I can always pull the plug and delete my account. It's a game. A play. I am not compromising any real life relationships any more than an actor playing a love scene in a film compromises his relationship with his girlfriend.
O yes, the love in short supply thing. Grew up in dysfunctional family - alcohol abuse. Still recovering from co-dependency.
I will enjoy, thanks. You too! :)
MIa, the lady in question read my comment, and in an SL conversation had a few comments of her own that are relvant to this thread. Hope you don't mind my posting this.
Her: That was very beautiful what you wrote about our kiss.
Him: Glad you liked me posting it!
Her: I did
Her:: Just remember we all have weaknesses - mine is fear
Him :And did you feel like I did, or was fear showing itself?
Her : I felt it too. I had no fear then
Her: Always remember in sl we can’t buy a heart or feelings
Him: Sure.
Her: But the person behind the avatar has them
Him: I sure do
Her: Many don’t
Her: You have a great heart
Him: I have the privilige of being able to appreciate love
Her: That’s great.
Her: I fear love so.
Him:You need someone to hold you until the fear subsides.
Him :I was once told that the only person who can help you with love is your God, because that is the area he is expert at. No-one else is.
Her: Maybe
Him: :)
Her: Funny thing is I have a great love
Her: I spend all my time thinking of when it will end
Her: Very sad
Him: Oh my dear!
Her: Just be careful this is place is great but it can hurt like hell too
Him:That what love between two people
is - like a big wonderful blanket you wrap yourslef in, just as you enfold yourself you feel a knife cut into you.
Her: true
No, of course I don't mind anyone adding to the thread.
If there is anything I want to achieve from this experiment with polyamorous love, it is the eradication of fear associated with love. I want to focus on the expansion of love, rather than the losing of it.
I'm extremely grateful to Cal for his advice to be “fearless” in connection with love - just jump right on in - fall into that delicious pool of love.
Whenever we express fear in connection with love, I'm sure we are all vocalising the thought, “Please don't give me this wonderful feeling and then take it away again.” There are no guarantees - but it is worth the risk. Even if it isn't - it's an interesting chapter in the story of our lives.
LOVE - all ways and always.
Mia