Why Are People So Wary Of Polyamoury?

Posted on Feb 16th, 2008 by

WHILE THE JOURNEY to polyamoury is a new one for me, we have heard from one of our readers who is further along in their exploration. They have a partner who is the treasurer for an association buying land for an intentional community.

The partner was quite high up in multi-national company, but because she was burnt out from stress she changed occupations. She kept in touch with her girlfriends at the previous company and likes to attend their girls' evenings to catch up on old gossip.

But I will leave it to our reader to tell their story:

"She is not really interested in talking about our IC - ecounit. When asked, she likes to respond about the areas of concern - investment, urine separation, planning permission, legal framework, community rules, social cohesion.

So her girlfriends started asking her about the IC. However she responded, they always brought the subject back to …..SEX. Conversation invariably went along these lines:

” We intend to introduce urine separation, recycling of all nutrients”
“Yes, but won't you end up all having sex with each other?”

The more Caroline recounted the evening, the more I laughed - but I realised these ladies were REALLY WORRIED. Their concerns seemed to consist of:

* Worry that the women would go after other women's men. Presumably, this means that although they would not consider it, they think another woman would think differently).

* Worry that these affairs would ruin the community and the investment (agreed there).

* But if they are worried their man is going to leave them in THAT situation, why not in the situation they are in? Is it just the situation that is keeping them together?

* Or, are they worried (and I suspect this is close to the truth, but then I'm a man), that they would be confronted with the fact that polyamory is something they really want to do themselves and that they will REALLY enjoy it. They are, I speculate, at present in a situation where they do not need to confront this and they do not need to practice the openness and honesty that is needed in a polyamourous relationship.

Maybe that is why they find Intentional Communities so threatening. Believe me, these women were worried.

One night, when we all went out to a restaurant, my partner and I gave one of them a lift home and when I gave her a big hug goodbye, I thought the look of shock on her face was due to the wine she'd been drinking. After Caroline told me their concerns, I realised that there must have been something else in it.

We recounted the story back to another woman who is also on the board of our IC, and her reaction was that a lot of sex would distract from why she was there in the first place - which was for the organic gardening and closeness to nature.

Another reaction was - so? You have to be real. If you want to have multiple partners and do, then you are being real. If you do want multiple partners and don't, then you are not being real. If you don't want multiple partners and do, then you are not being real. That's where the internal conflict comes in - when you cross your own line.

I am a newbie in SL - just one poseball kiss - but from the encounters I have had in SL, I can see that the platform can really help you sort yourself out in terms of honesty, fear of love, what you want from love etc.

Maybe any induction programme a new IC sets up should include a period of time spent on SL."

This reader's views pretty much reflect what both Cal and I feel and have experienced - that so many people we talk to about polyamoury, focus on the sex rather than the importance of relationships.

When we first decided to establish a polyamorous/intentional community in SL, we were very open and vocal about our plans. We soon realised that this was not the right way to go about it, because it didn't matter what else we said after the word "polyamoury" because all people could hear was "unlimited sex with as many people as you want".

I haven't even considered the 'nuts and bolts' of an intentional community as far as the technical and economic details go. Urine separation? Community Rules? Planning Permission?

My only priority has been finding "like-minded souls". People who are open, honest, entertaining, have a lot of personal character/integrity, people who love expressing themselves on some level - artistically, intellectually, spiritually, environmentally etc.

The beauty of experimenting in SL is that we don't have to consider planning permissions and urine separation, rubbish disposal etc. The financial considerations are slight - some contribution to the monthly tier (rent) payment would be good.

BUT I do have to say, my most immediate concern is my own feeling of "territory" that I have for our island. When I first set it up I was building it more for just the two of us - Cal and I - and he gently reminded me that eventually we would be sharing it with others.

I goofed big-time last week when I 'auto-returned' everything on the island which resulted in a completely empty island - every single thing we had put out was returned to our inventories, with the exception of one lone little mushroom which stood as a testament to how Cal and I first met.

This time round, while I have been re-building, I am more conscious of creating lots of areas for communal get togethers, private talks, romantic nooks and crannies, little surprises - very much with community in mind. However, a neighbour called in the other day and offered me some of their plants. This is a person who may well eventually be a part of our community, yet I declined their offer because on some deep primeval level, I didn't want anyone else's items on 'our' land.

Sense of ownership runs deep apparently. Still, all these things are part of the learning process - of changing the desire for things to be ours. There are just so many important issues to be considered in any sort of community that is put together - the financial aspect, morality (in a far wider context than who snuggles up with who at night), environment, compatibility (on so many different levels), direction etc.

One of my favourite sayings is, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" and just as we do when we travel, the more stories we hear from others on traps to avoid, places to see, handy hints etc., it just makes the journey all the better. For all of us.

Mia

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Tagged with: Intentional Community, Polyamoury, Fixations, Being Real, Property Ownership